


Should Have

by Rachy



Series: A Lady Knight or An Empress [2]
Category: PIERCE Tamora - Works, The Immortals - Tamora Pierce, Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, F/M, Goldenlake, Infidelity, Wistful Thinking, alt pov, if only, smackdown, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-20
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-12-12 10:03:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/810323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rachy/pseuds/Rachy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an AU in which Kally becomes a lady knight and Kaddar marries Lianne, Kaddar considers what should have been.<br/>Companion to Could Have.</p>
<p>Written for Goldenlake's 2013 SMACKDOWN.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Should Have

He should have resented her. Should have resented her, because he was well within his rights to resent her. It was almost expected of him that he would. This was the girl who he should have married. This was the woman who should have been his bride. This was the girl who had nearly cost him his Tortall alliance, and should have if he was stronger. He should have been strong enough to not accept the slight she gave, strong enough to laugh at a King who allowed his daughter to follow her dreams instead of marrying an Emperor. Instead, he was weak and fanciful and figured that maybe one of them should get the chance to be whom they wanted. He should have done lots of things, like not ask his spymaster to keep tabs on the girl for him, so he would know what to expect if he ever met the woman she became. That was clearly a mistake, and he should have been told that, because it was rude and invasive and should not have been excused as an acceptable madness of the Emperor. It was clearly a mistake because he never should have viewed her sister as a pale imitation of someone he knew only through a vellum portrait he had no right to possess. He should have said no when Jonathan of Conte offered his second daughter to him as a bride, cited their age difference and the slight and the more suitable aged pairings he could have chosen with countries he did not need or want to ally with. 

 

He has always been a wistful man. Always been someone who wonders what might have been. A consequence of becoming an Emperor at sixteen and discovering his death warrant by his Uncle a day later. He has a great deal more wishful thinking than what he specifically devotes to Kalasin of Conte, crown princess and lady knight, but he devotes some time to it. Much more than he should. Much more than is proper when his betrothed arrives and he watches as all the passion she carried with her arrival seep out of her as the bulk of her entourage leaves. He does not have any issues with Lianne. She is kind, friendly, and warm, and she is a good friend and a wonderful companion. They are compatible and do their duty and she is soon carrying his heir and it could be much more awkward then it is. They have a comfortable partnership. It is like and it is not love, but it is enough. Or it should be.

 

Then Lady Knight Kalasin arrives and a beacon shines in his court. And he wonders far more than he should and far more than he can ever forgive himself for. He should be a better man, and he is not. She is his wife's sister, but she should have been more to him.

 

He dances with her once and it is proper and appropriate. He has already waltzed with his wife, she now dances with Alanna’s son, and it is only appropriate that he dance with this woman who has made him laugh and think and want to do things. So they dance, and they dance well. They are both good dancers, but that is not why. They dance in tune and like it is something they have done every day of their lives, and he feels like it is something he would do again and again and would not mind if he never stopped. She shines in her blue and silver, glows in the candlelight and banters with him while they dance and he does not move his hand from its proper position in the middle of her back once. It is proper and appropriate and exactly as it should be, and he has never felt like there has been anything more wrong in his life when he lets go. Her hand holds his for a fraction longer, and her eyes look at him in a way that feels so right, but he does not ask her for a dance again. He does not think he can hold her in his arms again without aching to pull her closer, so he watches her from afar and does not let himself believe that she is watching him too. 

He acts as he should.


End file.
